hurt

honestly, i don't know where to start.

i feel so lost and confused; worse, it's like i am just living half a life right now.

i hope i'll finally get to meet you soon, because i don't want to hurt anymore.

forever yours,

s

bittersweet goodbye

stubborn me

i guess i'm truly a stubborn person after all. those who know have all told me to forget about you, with some even advising me to just move on. it's actually funny how they all see you as the villain in this story; that you're the manipulative, insensitive guy who has been toying with my emotions. however, despite all of this reminder, i always end up longing for you--asking you to meet me again. 

listening to you a while ago made me realise that you're still trying to pick yourself up from a failed relationship. i  knew all along that you still want to be with your ex, and i thought it's completely normal. after all, i was also like that after i broke up with p, fooling around with different guys just to help me get through the night knowing that i was no longer with the guy i loved for nearly a year. however, seeing your frustration over how you can't be with your ex right now made me realise that no one can ever take his place in your broken heart. 

secretly, i was wishing that you'd tell me, as we're both standing outside the mall where we first met, that i might be the person who'll be able to fix you. what i received, unfortunately, was a clear sign that i am just chasing pavements; that you can never extend to me the same affection and love you showed to your ex. i wanted to cry and plead my case to you a while ago, hoping that you'll reconsider taking my heart. by the looks of it, however, i'll just forever be a friend to you--someone whom you can always depend on whenever things become unbearable.

i know my friends are right and i should just move on for my own sake. however, i have decided to stick around and offer you unconditional love as long as i can. i guess i'd rather feel the pain of not having you than to walk away from the person whom i believe is the "one" for me. yes, it does sound trite and borderline maudlin, but this is just me being unreasonably stubborn. 

(home)coming

while i was i manila, a friend from singapore asked how my homecoming had been like. i guess my friend considered my trip as some sort of a homecoming since my parents and majority of my relatives reside there. however, living a transient life has deprived me of rooting myself in a specific place which i can truly call home. i know that that manila, orange county and new york city will always have a special place in my heart, with most of my past memories scattered in these three places. but how am i supposed to consider these places as my 'hometowns' when alienation has recently become my companion in these places?

***

my vacation in manila was mostly spent at our new house, catching up with my family and some friends. i guess i also didn't have that much of an option since i had to work from home in second week. thus, i decided to just hangout with my family and a number of friends living nearby. the only time i got the chance to go out of the city was when some of my friends decided to drag me out of the house and brought me to a not-so-far touristy place for a weekend trip. the travel was pretty much smooth and we arrived to our destination just after an hour and a half drive.  upon our arrival, i noticed that the place hasn't changed that much. well, I spotted several new establishments, but the tourist city still looked the same way i remembered it--full of restaurants, cafes and different types of resort-type lodging places. basically, we just had our lunch and massage in the city, and that's it.

***

i felt that my trip to manila made me realise that my family will always be there for me, despite our occasional misunderstandings. i know that my parents and i have been in a love-hate relationship ever since i was a kid, but i guess seeing them again allowed me to remember how close we really are as a family.