i am alone

when loneliness suddenly creeped in, i couldn't help but remember william wordsworth's "the solitary reaper."

Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.
No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne’er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.
Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?
Whate’er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o’er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

i guess i am afaird to be alone after all.

just for laughs

(dis)comfort

on my way to school, i always end up seeing children commuting on their own. i am guessing these kids are between eight to ten years old, and are pretty much used to taking the public transport system. they board the bus on their own and even run towards the bus stop just  to make sure they'll be able to catch their bus. anyway, seeing these kids never fail to bring an ironic smile on my face because they remind me of some of the things i greatly missed out when i was their age.

for one i was not allowed to go out on my own, and it's only when i reached the 7th grade when i first experienced taking a cab alone--something my parents didn't even know about. then, i was not allowed by my parents to play outside our house when i was kid. that's why i ended up playing with my nanny and the other maids at home. furthermore, my parents didn't let me try to do things on my own, because they brought me up in an environment where i was surrounded by people who will do things for me.

but who am i to complain? i know some people would say that i am fortunate to have parents who gave and continue to give me things that are beyond my basic needs. however, my sheltered lifestyle also robbed me of so many simple things that would've made me happier as a kid, and at the same time a better person now.

i am not saying that i don't appreciate the way my parents brought me up, because i'm actually thankful that they didn't neglect me when i was a kid. all am saying, i guess, is that it would have been better if my parents allowed me to experience everything when i was child--even by removing me from comfort zone and letting me appreciate the simple things in life--because this so-called transition to being independent would have been easier if only my parents did such deeds.

of love and other demons

i worry that i am stretching myself too thinly, and yet it's my own desires that put me in such a difficult situation. funny as it may sound, but the very dreams i have for myself have become the bane of my existence. i am now forced to do my phd applications as i finish my thesis at the same time. moreover, i am compelled to leave my new found friends as what i did to my long-time comrads when i embarked on this quest for higher learning. then, i am required to make a vow of poverty as i start to adjust to the low-paying profession of teaching.

i wonder if it's the same for other people. are our dreams the same as our nightmares?